True stories


Just blame Al

El Nino's been blamed for a lot of ugly weather. So has Al Nino.

Alfonso Nino - listed in the phone book as "Al" - has fielded a few
calls from hotheads who for some reason think a weather phenomenon
would have a telephone. Nino (pronounced NEE-no) was awakened at 2
am recently by an enraged, foul-mouthed woman complaining about the
weather. Nino, a retired Navy man who lives near San Luis Obispo,
replied in suitably nautical language and hung up. "It's happened at
least a half dozen times," Nino said. "It's always something like,
'Why are you doing this?' And I say, 'Well, I didn't really have
nothing else to do. I thought maybe it would be kind of fun.' I
usually joke around with them a bit."

From the Columbus, Ohio Dispatch newspaper.



Conversation with someone from the IRS ...

Caller: I got a letter from you guys and I want to know what you want. 
IRS:    What does it say ?
Caller: Just a minute, I'll open it. 



During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National
Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point
pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After
considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed
at a cost of approximately $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also
enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth. The
Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.



IBM decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project.
In the specifications, they stated that they would accept three defective
parts per 10,000.

When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. "We Japanese
had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the
three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have
been included in the consignment. We hope this pleases you."



The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting
a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits. 

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the
copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. 



True Story From San Francisco, California

It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the
branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began
to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the
police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America
and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo
teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was
not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept
his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip
and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go
back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left the Wells Fargo. The
Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few
minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of America.



Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a
chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of
pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper
off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the
chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to
the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.



A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked
for all the money in the cash drawer.  Apparently, the take was
too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter
himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.



In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying
to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King
used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately,
he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

Don't you just hate it when that happens?



Two members of the British Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on
the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in
apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up
completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300 mph.

The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier hurtled
over their heads. The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun,
put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF
pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe.

It seems that the Harrier's target-seeker had locked onto the 'enemy' radar
and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack.
Luckily, the Harrier was operating unarmed.

Otherwise ... "Gee Officer, sorry about your patrol car ..."



A kid was pulled over for speeding. The cop got out of his
car and the young man rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on
his way without a ticket.



A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed 
on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new 
game.  Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the 
pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly 
along it at the water's edge.  Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their 
heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn 
around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite 
direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.  Then, the 
paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin 
colony and overfly it.  Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins 
fall over gently onto their backs." 



Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective,
Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling tales about himself in which
he was the laughing-stock. Here is one of those stories. As he tells
it, he was waiting at a taxi stand outside the railway station in
Paris.  When a taxi pulled up. He put his suitcase in it and got in
himself.  As he was about to tell the taxi-driver where he wanted to
go, the driver asked him: "Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?"

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by
sight. The driver said: "No Sir, I have never seen you before." The
puzzled Doyle asked him what made him think that he was Conan Doyle.

The driver replied: "This morning's paper had a story about you being
on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who
return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you
have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger
suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English,
and not French.  Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduced
that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

Doyle said: "This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counter-part
to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes."

"There is one other thing," the driver said.

"What is that?"

"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."

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