The tooth fairy

Dear _________________


Thank you for leaving [ ] tooth/teeth under your pillow last night.

While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case
of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your
request for the following reason(s) indicated below:

( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails
( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for
    appropriate action
( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the 
    tooth fairy
( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth
( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the
    time of our visit
( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit
( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, 
    or were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
        [  ] string
        [  ] pliers
        [  ] gunpowder
        [  ] hammer marks
        [  ] chisel
        [  ] part of skull attached to tooth
        [  ] no dental care
( ) other: ____________________________________________________

Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the
following certificate which you may attempt to exchange at
a retail store near you. Thank you for your request, and we
look forward to serving you in the future.

Sincerely,

The Tooth Fairy