Science stories

Actual letter from the archives of the Smithsonian Institute

Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
"211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull."
We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and
regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it
represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in
Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that
what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety
one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the
"Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of
thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite
certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in
the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.
However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes
of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern
origin:

  1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains
are typically fossilized bone.

  2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9
cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest
identified proto-hominids.

  3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more
consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the
"ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the
wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one
of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your
history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh
rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail,
let us say that:

  A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll
   that a dog has chewed on.

  B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due
to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and
partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of
recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie
dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely
to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny
your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's
Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen
the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking
personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of
your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the
species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound
like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this
fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a
hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example
of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so
effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a
special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens
you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire
staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your
digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We
eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you
proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the
Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing
you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating
fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes
the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently
discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears
Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,
  Harvey Rowe
    Curator, Antiquities



There are several ways to solve a problem. For example, consider the
following from "The Teaching of Elementary Science and Mathematics"
by Alexander Calandra:

The process of creativity is a mysterious and interesting one. It is
brilliantly described in the following story. A student refused to
parrot back what he had been taught in class. When the student
protested, I was asked to act as arbiter between the student and his
professor.

I went to my colleague's office and read the examination question:
'Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building
with the aid of a barometer.'

The student had answered: 'Take the barometer to the top of the
building, attach a long rope to it, lower the barometer to the street
and then bring it up, measuring the length of the rope. The length
of the rope is the height of the building.'

A high grade is supposed to certify competence in physics, but the
answer did not confirm this. I suggested that the student have
another try at answering the question. I gave the student six
minutes, with the warning that his answer should show some knowledge
of physics. In the next minute he dashed off his answer, which read:
'Take the barometer to the top of the building and lean over the edge
of the roof. Drop the barometer, timing its fall with a stopwatch.
Then, using the formula S = 1/2 a t^2, calculate the height of the
building.'

At this point, I asked my colleague if he would give up. He
conceded, and I gave the student almost full credit.

In leaving my colleague's office, I recalled that the student had
said he had other answers to the problem, so I asked him what they
were.

'Oh, yes. There are many ways of getting the height of a tall
building with the aid of a barometer. For example, you could take
the barometer out on a sunny day and measure the height of the
barometer, the length of its shadow, and the length of the shadow of
the building, and by the use of a simple proportion, determine the
height of the building.'

Fine, I said. And the others?

'Yes. Take the barometer and begin to walk up the stairs. As you
climb the stairs, you mark off the length of the barometer along the
wall. You then count the number of marks, and this will give you the
height of the building in barometer units. A very direct method.'

'Finally, there are many other ways of solving the problem. Probably
not the best is to take the barometer to the basement and knock on
the superintendent's door. When the superintendent answers, you
speak to him as follows: "Mr. Superintendent, here I have a fine
barometer. If you will tell me the height of this building, I will
give you this barometer".'



Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide !
The Invisible Killer

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills
uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are
caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of
dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid
form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can
include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated
feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those
who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

   * is also known as hydroxl acid, and is the major component of
     acid rain.
   * contributes to the "greenhouse effect."
   * may cause severe burns.
   * contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
   * accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
   * may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of
     automobile brakes.
   * has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

Contamination Is Reaching Epidemic Proportions!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every
stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is
global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice.
DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage in the
midwest, and recently California.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

   * as an industrial solvent and coolant.
   * in nuclear power plants.
   * in the production of styrofoam.
   * as a fire retardant.
   * in many forms of cruel animal research.
   * in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce
     remains contaminated by this chemical.
   * as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products.

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can
be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact
on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

The Horror Must Be Stopped!

The American government has refused to ban the production,
distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance
to the economic health of this nation." In fact, the navy and other
military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and
designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it
during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities
receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground
distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

It's not too late!

Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this
dangerous chemical. What you don't know can hurt you and others
throughout the world.



The Hazards of Baked Bread...

1: More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.

2: Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households
score below average on standardized tests.

3: In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the
average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were
unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as
typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4: More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of
eating bread.

5: Bread is made from a substance called "dough."  It has been proven that
as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The
average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6: Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurrence
of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and osteoporosis.

7: Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and
given only water to eat, actually begged for bread after only two days.

8: Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to harder items
such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts.

9: Bread has been proven to absorb water.  Since the human body is more than
90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being
taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey
bread-pudding person.

10: Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11: Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That
kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12: Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between
significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.



Useful proof methods

Proof by example: 

  The author gives only the case n = 2 and suggests that it contains 
  most of the ideas of the general proof. 

Proof by intimidation: 

  "Trivial." 

Proof by vigorous handwaving: 

  Works well in a classroom or seminar setting. 

Proof by cumbersome notation: 

  Best done with access to at least four alphabets and special symbols. 

Proof by exhaustion: 

  An issue or two of a journal devoted to your proof is useful. 

Proof by omission: 

  "The reader may easily supply the details"
  "The other 253 cases are analogous"
  "..." 

Proof by obfuscation: 

  A long plotless sequence of true and/or meaningless syntactically 
  related statements. 

Proof by wishful citation: 

  The author cites the negation, converse, or generalization of a 
  theorem from the literature to support his claims. 

Proof by funding: 

  How could three different government agencies be wrong? 

Proof by eminent authority: 

  "I saw Karp in the elevator and he said it was probably NP-complete." 

Proof by personal communication: 

  "Eight-dimensional colored cycle stripping is NP-complete 
  [Karp, personal communication]." 

Proof by reduction to the wrong problem: 

  "To see that infinite-dimensional colored cycle stripping is 
  decidable, we reduce it to the halting problem." 

Proof by reference to inaccessible literature: 

  The author cites a simple corollary of a theorem to be found 
  in a privately circulated memoir of the Slovenian Philological 
  Society, 1883. 

Proof by importance: 

  A large body of useful consequences all follow from the 
  proposition in question. 

Proof by accumulated evidence: 

  Long and diligent search has not revealed a counterexample. 

Proof by mutual reference: 

  In reference A, Theorem 5 is said to follow from Theorem 3 in 
  reference B, which is shown to follow from Corollary 6.2 in 
  reference C, which is an easy consequence of Theorem 5 in 
  reference A. 

Proof by metaproof: 

  A method is given to construct the desired proof. The correctness 
  of the method is proved by any of these techniques. 

Proof by picture: 

  A more convincing form of proof by example. Combines well with 
  proof by omission. 

Proof by vehement assertion: 

  It is useful to have some kind of authority relation to the audience. 

Proof by ghost reference: 

  Nothing even remotely resembling the cited theorem appears in the 
  reference given. 

Proof by forward reference: 

  Reference is usually to a forthcoming paper of the author, which is 
  often not as forthcoming as at first. 

Proof by semantic shift: 

  Some of the standard but inconvenient definitions are changed for 
  the statement of the result. 

Proof by appeal to intuition: 

  Cloud-shaped drawings frequently help here.



A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels
by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky
(from the Journal of Irreproducible Results, Vol 36, No. 1)

As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards
legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that 
present hazards to the general public.  Yet we must also offer the cautionary
thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the
surface of what is really necessary in this important area.  This is especially
true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.

We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in
an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement
of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered
for sale in the United States of America.  Our Suggested list of required
warnings appears below.

Warning: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

Warning: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe,
Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to
the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance
Between Them.

Caution: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85
Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

Handle with Extreme Care: This Product Contains Minute Electrically
Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million
Miles per Hour.

Consumer Notice: Because of the 'Uncertainty Principle,' It Is Impossible
for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This
Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

Advisory: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a
Process Known as 'Tunneling,' This Product May Spontaneously Disappear
from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the
Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile.  The Manufacturer Will Not
Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

This is a 100% Matter product: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise
Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will
Result.

Public Notice as Required by Law: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner
Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe.

Note: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together
by a 'Gluing' Force About Which Little Is Currently Known and Whose
Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

Attention: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon,
the Consumer Is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of
99.9999999999% Empty Space.

New Grand Unified Theory Disclaimer: The Manufacturer May Technically
Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional.  However, the
Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and
Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven
New Dimensions Are 'Rolled Up' into Such a Small 'Area' That They
Cannot Be Detected.

Please Note: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the
Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or
Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

Component equivalency notice: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons,
Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every
Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers,
and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

Health Warning: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since
Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the
User.