More quotes

Groucho Marx quotes

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes ?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Room service ? Send up a larger room.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed
with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get
rid of it.

Why should I care about posterity ? What's posterity ever done for me ?

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll
never know.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns
it on, I go to the library and read a book.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Well, art is art, isn't it ? Still, on the other hand, water is water!
And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them
like apple-sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.

Whatever it is I'm against it.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too
dark to read.

Quote me as saying I was misquoted.



Signs from around the world

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for
wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each
one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going
alphabetically by national order. 

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. 

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where
famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are
buried daily except Thursday. 

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the
corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend
courteous, efficient self-service. 

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream. 

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot
heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first,
but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor. 



Newspaper Headlines

Alcohol ads promote drinking 
Bible Church's focus is the Bible 
Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person 
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply 
Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons 
Cold Wave Linked to Cold Temperatures 
Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones 
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case 
Economist uses theory to explain economy 
Fish lurk in streams 
Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold 
Hospitals Are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors 
How we feel about ourselves is at the core of self-esteem 
If Strike Is not Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 
Lack of brains hinders research 
Local Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 
Low Wages Said Key to Poverty 
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms 
Malls try to attract shoppers 
Man Minus Ear Waves Hearing 
Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies 
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge 
Official: Only rain will cure drought 
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told 
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 
Red Tape Holds up New Bridge 
Scientists see quakes in L.A. future 
Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says 
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim 
Stolen Painting Found by Tree 
Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut 
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 
Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes 
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Line 
War Dims Hope for Peace 



Actual answers given by contestants on "The Family Feud"

Name something a blind person might use -  A sword
Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon
Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
Name a dangerous race - The Arabs
Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair
Name something Red - My cardigan
Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
A number you have to memorize - 7
Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
Something you put on walls - Roofs
Something in the garden that's green - Shed
Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings
Something you might be allergic to - Skiing
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
Something slippery - A conman
A jacket potato topping - Jam
A famous Scotsman - Jock
Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones
Something with a hole in it - Window
A non-living object with legs - Plant
A domestic animal - Leopard
A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
A way of cooking fish - Cod



The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977, are
actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize
accident details in as few words as possible.

1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I
   don't have.

2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.

3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I
   reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did
   not see the other car.

6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and
   had an accident.

7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal
   joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place
   where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the
   accident.

10. I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found
    that I had a fractured skull.

11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the
    road when I struck him.

12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood
    of my car.

13. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with
    a big mouth.

14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a
    ditch by some stray cows.

15. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

16. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my
    head through it.

17. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

18. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before
    I hit him.

19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

20. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

21. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

22. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law,
    and headed over the embankment.



Church bulletins

In a show of near anonymity, the convention approved full communion with
the Anglican Church of Canada.

Brother Lamar has gone on to be the Lord.

The pastor will light his candle from the altar candles.
The ushers will light their candle from the pastor's candle.
The ushers will turn and light each worshipper in the first pew.

Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
Pastor Jack's sermons.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm.
Please use the back door.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm - prayer and medication to follow.