Phone jokes

Answering machine messages

Hi ! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with
one of these magnets.

Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message 
and I will call you up as soon as I find it. 

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the 
phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but 
I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I 
guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it ... I mean, like, wait, 
gosh. This is so confusing. 

Welcome, Mr President. Stand by for voice print identification.

We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number.
Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.



One thing that has always bugged me - and I'm sure it does most of you -
is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call
from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as
irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something
like this:

Me: Hello (swallowing my mouthful of food)
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...

Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?

Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.

Me: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that,
surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad.  Much to
my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?

Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?

Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.

Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.

Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express
yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested," but this
lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute,
24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but
she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to
whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest)
Yes sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!

Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.

Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!

Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.

Me: OK, so will you send me cheques weekly, monthly or just one big one at
the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual cheque,
can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day,
7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day,
$1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in
knowing how you will be making payment.

AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us
10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10
cents a minute. Are you sure this is AT&T?

AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll
give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute?
Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read
about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don't use your
alien brainwashing techniques on me.

AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor
please!

AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?

AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.

So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat
while I'm waiting for a supervisor.  After a wait of a few minutes and
while I have a mouth full of food:

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeth?

Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents
a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?

Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to
suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to
me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person
who was helping you.

Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end
this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at
the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in
signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can
never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really
like to have a little brother ...

AT&T: (click)



The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and
International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who
introduces the story swears it's true.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that
was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of
reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up
quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a
nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his
colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the
FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors.
We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service
entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to
bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have
the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don't think so.

Click!