Military jokes

These reports come from actual military "squawk" sheets. For the
uninitiated, "squawk" sheets are maintenance forms filed by flight crews
to inform the maintenance crews of problems with the aircraft.

Comment: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Response: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Comment: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Response: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft"

Comment: "Something loose in cockpit."
Response: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Comment: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Response: "Evidence removed."

Comment: "Number three engine missing."
Response: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Comment: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Response: "Volume set to more believable level."

Comment: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Response: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Comment: "IFF inoperative."
Response: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Comment: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Response: "That's what they're there for."

Problem 1:  "Number 2 propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution 1: "Number 2 propeller seepage normal."
Problem 2:  "Number 1, 3, and 4 propellers lack normal seepage."



This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship
with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

 **** Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid
           a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South
           to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
           YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND
           LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
           ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
           SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
           NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL
           BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.



One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they
don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building,"
they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it
with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year
lease with an option to buy.



Having just moved into his new office, a pompous new colonel was sitting
at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new
position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to
enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this
afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you
for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man,
he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "just here to hook up your
telephone."