Laws and lawyers

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal,
the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys
during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful
witnesses.

"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning ?"
"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he ?"
"Were you present when your picture was taken ?"

Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse ?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure ?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing ?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
    the autopsy ?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor ?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless ?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
    somewhere."

"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war ?"
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision ?"
"You were there until the time you left, is that true ?"
"How many times have you committed suicide ?"

Q: "She had three children, right ?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys ?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls ?"

Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement ?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also ?"

Q: "How was your first marriage terminated ?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated ?"

Q: "Can you describe the individual ?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female ?"

Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
    notice which I sent to your attorney ?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people ?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK ? What school did you go to ?"
A: "Oral."

Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body ?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time ?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

Q. "Did he pick the dog up by the ears ?"
A. "No."
Q. "What was he doing with the dog's ears ?"
A. "Picking them up in the air."
Q. "Where was the dog at this time ?"
A. "Attached to the ears."

Q. "What is your relationship with the plaintiff ?"
A. "She is my daughter."
Q. "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979 ?"

Q. Dr. Smith, how are you -
A. Just fine.
Q. Pardon ?
A. Just fine. I'm ready to go.
Q. Okay. Great. How are you employed ?

Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a watch.
A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.

Q. Is the south boundary of the north half of the southeast quarter of the
   northwest quarter the same line as the north boundary of the south half of
   the southeast quarter of the northwest quarter?

Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
   able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go
   also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the
   station ?
A: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Q:  Did you blow your horn or anything?
A:  After the accident?
Q:  Before the accident.
A:  Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.



These are some of the laws still on the books in various American states.

In Alabama it is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating
a vehicle.

In California, community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for
anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.

In Connecticut you are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.

In Florida a special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday
or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.

In Illinois it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats,
and other domesticated animal kept as pets.

In Indiana, citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theatre nor
ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.

In Iowa, kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.

In Kentucky it is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.

In Louisiana it is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller
with a water pistol; another law states that biting someone with your
natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false
teeth is "aggravated assault."

In Massachusetts, mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches,
snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely
locked, and an old ordinance declares that goatees are illegal unless you
first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.

In Nebraska a parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp
during a church service.

In New York a fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law
specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and
looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this
magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of
horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.

In North Dakota beer & pretzels can't be served at the same time in any
bar or restaurant.

In Oklahoma, violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly
faces at a dog, and dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order
to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.

In Pennsylvania, there is a special cleaning ordinance which bans housewives
from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling.

In Texas, a city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without
first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.

In Washington, all lollipops are banned, and there is a law to reduce crime
which states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to
stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering
the town."



More Laws

It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.

It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad
crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until
the other has gone. In a "true facts" books there was an explanation for
this law. It seems that one of the state senators did not want a law
passed. To keep this particular law from passing, he attached the train
law to it. He hoped that his fellow senators would discover the train law
attached, see how ridiculous it was, and not pass the laws. Nobody saw
the the train law attached and passed both laws. This may not be the real
reason, but it sounds good. And it might explain some of the laws we have
to live with.

It is against the law to fish from horseback in Utah.

Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of
candy weighing less than fifty pounds.

In Denver, it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next door
neighbor.

In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.

No one may catch fish with his bare hands in Kansas.

In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying of
concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public view."

Los Angeles "Daily News": Have you ever had the urge to rip the tag from a
pillow or mattress, despite the warning of dire penalties? Well, it's
perfectly legal now, if you live in Colorado. The Governor formalized the
law by gleefully tearing a label from a pillow at his office. "I've been
worrying about the mattress inspector jumping through the window for
years," he said.

San Francisco is said to be the only city in the nation to have ordinances
guaranteeing sunshine to the masses.

In Germany, there is a law that every office must have a view of the sky,
however small. So the office buildings are all long and skinny.

Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through
any of its streets.

The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.

It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.

The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River
can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.

In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that is
over six feet in length.

In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on
the sidewalks when a concert is on.

It's against the law in Portland, Oregon for a wedding ceremony to be
performed at a skating rink.

It's illegal for frogs to croak after 11 PM in Memphis, Tennessee.

No one is permitted to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket in
Lexington, Kentucky.

It's against the law to sing off key in North Carolina.

It's unlawful to tickle a woman's chin with a feather duster in Portland,
Maine.

In Baldwin Park, California nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a
swimming pool.



A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Administration) loan for a
client. He was told that the loan would be granted if he could prove
satisfactory title to property offered as collateral. The title dated back to
1803, and he had to spend three months running it down.

After sending the information to FHA, he got this reply: "We received your
letter today enclosing application for loan for your client, supported by
abstract of title. Let us compliment you on the able manner in which you
prepared and presented the application. However, you have not cleared the
title before the year 1802, and therefore, before final approval can be
accorded the application, it will be necessary that the title be cleared back
of that year.

Annoyed, the lawyer replied: "Your letter regarding titles in Case No. 189156
received. I note that you wish titles extended further back than I have
presented them. I was unaware that any educated man in the world failed to
know that Louisiana was purchased from France in 1803. The title to the land
was acquired by France by right of conquest from Spain. The land came into
possession of Spain by right of discovery made in 1492 by a sailor named
Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new
route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a
pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much I might say, as the FHA,
took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope for the voyage before
she sold her jewels to help Columbus. Now the Pope, as you know, is the
emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted,
made the world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made
that part of the world called Louisiana, and I hope you are satisfied."



A lawyer defended a man accused of burglary with: "My client merely
inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles.
His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the
whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the
defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not,
as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his
artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.



Toddlers' property laws

1. If I like it, it's mine
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine
9. If it's broken, it's yours