Random jokes 5

A man went to the doctor and said: "It hurts when I press here (pressing
his side). "And when I press here (pressing the other side). "And here"
(Pressing his leg). "And also when I press my other leg and arms."
The doctor performed a thorough examination and said, "You've got
a broken finger."



They were all on the plane waiting for take-off and the pilot and co-pilot
come aboard wearing dark glasses and using canes. Everyone thought it was a
joke. The plane starts moving down the runway, the treeline is getting nearer
and still no liftoff. A few people start screaming. Just before reaching the
end of the runway, every passenger screams loudly in unison ... and the
plane lifts off, just missing the trees. The pilot turns to the co-pilot
saying, "You know, one day they won't scream and we'll all be killed !"



This guy was driving down a country road when his car sputtered to a complete
stop near a field filled with cows. Getting out to see what the matter was,
he noticed one of the cows looking at him. "I believe it's your radiator,"
said the cow. The man nearly jumped right out of shoes ! He ran to the
nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door. "A cow just gave me advice about
my car !" he shouted, waving his arms franticly back toward the field.

The farmer casually leaned out beyond the door frame to glance down the
field.  "The cow with two big black spots on it?" the farmer asked slowly.

"Yes ! Yes ! That's the one !" the excited man replied.

"Oh. Well, that's Ethel," the farmer said, turning back to the man.
"Don't pay any attention to her. She doesn't know a thing about cars."



A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon with his
coffee. "This coffee," he said loud enough for most of the other patrons to
hear, "is going to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers."

The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and returned shortly
with another cup of coffee. "This one isn't so hot, sir", he beamed.



A man in a restaurant calls the waiter over and says, "Could you please
have a taste of this soup ?"

The waiter replies, "I don't think that will be necessary sir, I'll just
get you another one."

The man says, "No, I want you to have a taste of my soup."

The waiter says, "It really won't be necessary, I'll get you another one
right away."

The man insists, "Just have some of the soup !"

The waiter sighs and says, "Alright, sir. Where's the spoon ?"

The man says, "Aha !!"



Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in
the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go
check," and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said, "Yeah,
I meant two-by-fours."

"All right. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and
said, "I'd better go check." After awhile, the customer returned to the
office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."