Random jokes 2

There was a big flood in Louisiana. this guy is standing in water up to
his knees. They came by in a rowboat and said, "Get in." He said, "Oh no,
the Lord will take care of me." A few minutes later, he's up on the porch,
the water's up to his waist. Another rowboat comes by; they say, "Get in."
He says, "Oh no, the Lord will take care of me." Now he's on the roof. The
water's up to his neck. A helicopter comes by. He says, "No, no, the Lord
will take care of me."

Well, he drowned. He gets up to Heaven, he meets the Lord, and he says,
"What happened ?" The Lord says, "What do you mean, what happened ?
I sent two rowboats and a helicopter for you !"



Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. That way,
if he doesn't like what you have to say, it'll be OK because you'll be a
mile way and you'll have his shoes.

Never knock on death's door, ring the bell and run (he hates that).

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either.
Just leave me alone.



Seems a fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire
department from the near-by town was called to put the fire out. The fire
proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle.
Someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. And
though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was
made.

The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck.
They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the
flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started
spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of
the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.

The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work, and
so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he
presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department
planned to do with the funds.

"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do is
get the brakes fixed on that old fire truck."



A husband took his young daughter to the grocery store with him. In addition
to the healthful items on the carefully prepared shopping list, they returned
with a box of sugar-laden cookies. 

The man noticed the glare of his wife and said, "This box of cookies has
one-third fewer calories than usual." 

"Why is that ?" the mother asked. 

"We ate a third of the cookies on the way home," he replied. 



This guy is walking through Chinatown. He is fascinated with all the Chinese
Restaurants, the Chinese shops, the Chinese signs and banners on the buildings.
He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign "Hans Olafsen's Laundry".
"Hans Olafsen ?" he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here ?"

So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the
corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like
Hans Olafsen's Laundry ?"

The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The visitor asks, "Well, where's the owner ?"

"I am he," answers the old man.

"You ? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olafsen ?"

The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come to this country, I was
standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blonde
Swede. Lady look at him and go 'What your name ?' He say Hans Olafsen.
She look at me ... "What your name ?" I say, "Sam Ting."



Moishe is being indoctrinated by the Russian Government:
Govt. official: "If you had a yacht, what would you do with it?"
Moishe: "Give it to Mother Russia."
Govt. Official: "And if you had a palace, what would you do with it?"
Moishe: "Give it to Mother Russia."
Govt. Official: "And if you had a sweater, what would you do with it?"
No reply.
Government official asks the question again.
And still not reply. Finally he shouts: "Moishe, why don't you reply?"
Moishe: "Because I actually own a sweater."