Jewish jokes

(I hope it is obvious that these jokes are not anti Jewish in any way !)

Bernie, a young Jewish boy, decided he wanted to be an aeronautical
engineer and build airplanes. Over the years he studied hard, went to the
best schools, and finally got his degree. It didn't take long before he
gained a reputation as the finest aeronautical engineer in all the land,
so he decided to start his own company to build jets.

His company was such a hit that the President of the United States called
Bernie into his office. "Bernie," the president said, "the President of
Israel wants to commission your company to build an advanced jet fighter
for his country. You have our approval - go out and design him the best
jet fighter ever made."

Needless to say, Bernie was tremendously excited at this prospect. The
entire resources of his company went into building the most advanced jet
fighter in history. Everything looked terrific on paper, but when they
held the first test flight of the new jet, disaster struck. The wings
couldn't take the strain - they broke clean off of the fuselage! (The
test pilot parachuted to safety, thank God.) Bernie was devastated; his
company redesigned the jet fighter, but the same thing happened at the next
test flight - the wings broke off again.

Beside himself with worry, Bernie went to his Schul to pray... to ask God
where he had gone wrong. The rabbi saw Bernie's sadness, and naturally
asked him what the matter was. Bernie decided to pour his heart out to
the rabbi.

After hearing the problem with the jet fighter, the rabbi put his arm on
Bernie's shoulder and told him, "Listen, I know how to solve your problem.
All you have to do is drill a row of holes directly above and below where
the wing meets the fuselage. If you do this, I absolutely guarantee the
wings won't fall off."

Bernie just smiled and thanked the rabbi for his advice... but the more he
thought about it, the more he realized he had nothing to lose. Maybe the
rabbi had some holy insight. So Bernie did exactly what the rabbi told him
to do. On the next design of the jet fighter, they drilled a row of holes
directly above and below where the wings met the fuselage. And... it
worked!! The next test flight went perfectly!

Brimming with joy, Bernie went to the Schul to tell the rabbi that his
advice had worked. "Naturally," said the rabbi, "I never doubted it
would."

"But Rabbi, how did you know that drilling the holes would prevent the
wings from falling off?"

"Bernie," the rabbi intoned, "I'm an old man. I've lived for many, many
years and I've celebrated Passover many, many times. And in all those
years, not once - NOT ONCE - has the matzoh broken on the perforation!"



After months of negotiation, a Jewish scholar from Odessa was granted
permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty
seat. At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The
scholar looked at the young man and thought:

This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he
probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, he
must be Jewish because this is, after all, the Jewish district. On
the other hand, if he is a Jew where could he be going? I'm the only
one in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow.

Wait - just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet,
and you don't need special permission to go there. But why would he
be going to Samvet? He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish
families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet?
Only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a
terrible family, so he must be visiting the Steinbergs. But why is
he going?

The Steinbergs have only girls, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But
if he is, then which daughter did he marry? Sarah married that nice
lawyer from Budapest and Esther married a businessman from Zhadomir,
so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander
Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all
the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name.
What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if he changed
his name he must have some special status. What could it be? A
doctorate from the University.

At this point the scholar turns to the young man and said,
"How do you do, Dr. Kovacs?"

"Very well, thank you, sir" answered the startled passenger.
"But how is it that you know my name?"

"Oh," replied the scholar, "it was obvious".



Chaim and Moishe are sitting on a bus next to each other.

Chaim: What's up Moishe ? Where are you going ?
Moishe: Oh, Tel-Aviv.
Chaim: You say you are going to Tel-Aviv because you want me to think that
  you are going to Jaffa. But the truth is you are *really* going to
  Tel-Aviv, so why are you lying to me ?