Irish jokes

(The funniest Irish jokes I have heard were told by Irishmen - no offense
at all is intended by any of these jokes).



Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home late one night
and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here", says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave,
God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole. It says
here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Shamus yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was
145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker,
and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."



A man walked into a Irish pub, and suddenly one of the regulars shouted
"42 !" Everyone laughed. Someone else shouted, "25 !" and again everyone
laughed. He asked the man next to him, "What's this about ? How come
everyone laughs when someone just says a number ?"

The man explained, "Oh, we know the standard jokes so well around here
that we just thought we'd save some time by giving each one a number."
Amazed, the man decided to try it out. He shouted "33 !" No one laughed,
so he tried again. "27 !" Again no one laughed.

He turned to his neighbour and asked, "What's the matter ? No one laughed."

His neighbour answered, "Oh, it's the way you tell it ..."



An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of guiness and
sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When
he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The
bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would
taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well,
you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia,
and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink
this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender
admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way:
he orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and
orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he
comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't
want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on
your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light
dawns in his eye and he laughes. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I'm
just off the liquor."



A man walked into a restroom in Ireland and he found an old man on duty.
He asked him, "How long have you had this job ?" The old man replied,
"Oh, years and years sir, years and years." So he asked him, "How long
since you've had a decent holiday ?" "Oh, too long sir, too long."
The man said, "Well I'll see if there's something I can do."

A few weeks later, the same man came past and stopped in to see if
the old man was there. He walked in and found him lying in a deck chair,
under a beach umbrella, sipping a drink and wearing sunglasses.

He said, "What's this ??" The old man replied, "Ah, there you are sir !
Thank you sir. I got a letter from the government, and they said
I could have two weeks' holiday at my own convenience !"



Paddy and Nick hire a boat and go out fishing on the lake. They find a spot
where there are a lot of fish around, and Paddy says to Nick, "Hey Nick,
this is a great place to go fishing ! Can you mark this spot so we can
come back here tomorrow ?" So Nick gets out a piece of chalk and draws
an "X" on the side of the boat. Paddy says, "What are you doing, Nick ?
How do you know we'll get the same boat tomorrow ?"



Two Irish brothers inherited a pair of horses from a relative. But they only
had one paddock to put them in, so they had to work out some way of telling
them apart.

"I know," said Paddy. "I'll cut one horse's tail a bit shorter". So he did
that, but the next day they found that the other horse had caught his tail
on the fence and his tail was just as short as the other one.

"I have an idea," said Nick. "How about tying a ribbon around this one's
tail and leaving the other one as it is ?" So they tried that, but the
next day they found that the ribbon had slipped off.

So Paddy said, "I've got it ! You have the brown one and I'll have the
black one."



During a skirmish between the English and the Irish, there was a situation
where they were separated by a small hill. A voice came from the other
side, "One Irishman can take on twenty Englishmen !"

The English officer promptly ordered twenty of his men over the hill.
There was a scuffle, and then the voice came again: "One Irishman can take
on twenty Englishmen !"

Infuriated, the officer sent another twenty men over the hill. After
another scuffle, there was silence, and then a single Englishman came
crawling back again. The officer said, "What happened ?"

"Don't let them fool you. It's an ambush, sir. There's two of them !"



A small plane crashed in a graveyard in Dublin yesterday evening.
An emergency rescue team has been working all night, and 352 bodies
have been recovered so far.



A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he
could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds:
"You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's
have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's
and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?," he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."