Exam jokes

During an examination not long ago at Cambridge University in England, a
student raised his hand and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale.
When challenged by the proctor to justify his request the student drew
attention to the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin
but still nominally in effect. The section in question read (rough
translation from the Latin): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request
and require Cakes and Ale." Coke and a hamburger were judged to be
appropriate modern equivalents, and so were fetched for the student's
pleasure. Round one to the student. Three weeks later, however, he was
fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.



The setting is Ohio State University about six or seven years ago in a
huge lecture hall (approximately 1000 students) for a Calculus final.
Apparently this particular calculus teacher wasn't very well liked. He was
one of those guys who would stand at the front of the class and yell out
how much time was remaining before the end of a test, a real charmer.
Since he was so busy galavanting around the room making sure that nobody
cheated and that everyone was aware of how much time they had left before
their failure on the test was complete, he had the students stack the
completed tests on the huge podium at the front of the room. This made for
quite a mess, remember there were 1000 students in the class.

Anyway, during this particular final, one guy entered the test needing a
decent grade to pass the class. His only problem with Calculus was that
he did poorly when rushed, and this person standing in the front of the
room barking out how much time was left before the tests had to be handed
in didn't help him at all. He figured he wanted to assure himself of a
good grade, so he hardly flinched when the professor said "pencils down
and submit your scantron sheets and work to piles at the front of the
room".

Five minutes turned into ten, ten into twenty, twenty into fourty...almost
an hour after the test was "officially over", our friend finally put down
his pencil, gathered up his work, and headed to the front of the hall to
submit his final. The whole time, the professor sat at the front of the
room, strangely waiting for the student to complete his exam.

"What do you think you're doing?" the professor asked as the student stood
in front of him about to put down his exam on one of the neatly stacked
piles of exams (the professor had plenty of time to stack the mountain of
papers while he waited) It was clear that the professor had waited only to
give the student a hard time.

"Turning in my exam," retorted the student confidently.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news for you," the profesor gloated, "Your
exam is an hour late. You've FAILED it and, consequently, I'll see you
next term when you repeat my course." The student smiled slyly and asked
the professor "Do you know who I am?"

"What?" replied the professor grufly, annoyed that the student showed no
sign of emotion.

The student rephrased the question mockingly, "Do you know what my name
is?"

"NO", snarled the professor.

The student looked the professor dead in the eyes and said slowly, "I
didn't think so", as he lifted up one of the stacks half way, shoved his
test neatly into the center of the stack, let the stack fall burying his
test in the middle, turned around, and walked casually out of the huge
lecture hall.



Two above average students were heading for their final exam in Chemistry
one year. They were confident that it would be no trouble for them,
so they spent the day before enjoying themselves in a nearby town.
Unfortunately they ended up sleeping in, and they decided that rather
than being late for the exam they would just tell the professor that
they had a flat tyre.

The professor accepted their explanation and said that he would set a
special exam for them the next day. They turned up feeling confident,
and the professor gave them their papers. The first question was worth
5 marks and was quite straightforward. "This will be easy," they thought.

They turned the page, and the next question said, "(95 marks) Which tyre ?"



The story around Harvard was that there was a graduate math course whose
final always consisted of, "Make up an appropriate final exam for this
course and answer it. You will be graded on both parts."

Then one year, a student answered as follows:
The exam is: "Make up an appropriate final exam for this course and
answer it. You will be graded on both parts." The answer is: "Make up an
appropriate final exam for this course and answer it. You will be graded
on both parts."

His reasoning was that since that was the best exam the professor could
write, it certainly ought to be good enough for a student. He got an A.
The professor specifically prohibited that answer from then on.



This is an actual essay written by a college applicant.
The author, Hugh Gallaghere, now attends NYU.

3A. Essay: In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to
know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following
question:

  Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments
  you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person ? 

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have
been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more
efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for
Cuban refugees. I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up
severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies
in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran of love, and an
outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious
army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the
subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large
suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays,
after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear.

I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have
been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I
toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat
.400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international
botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.

I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and
still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the
exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed
several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do
sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully
negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The
laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years
ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have
made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster
oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan,
cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.
I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have
spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.