Language jokes

Simplifying English

A VISION OF THE FUTURE... 

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European
Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving
efficiency in communications between Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is
unnecessarily difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and
thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased program of changes to iron
out these anomalies. The program would, of course, be administered by a
committee staff at top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's'
instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would
resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k'
sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up
konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made
with one less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was anounsed
that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make
words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible.
Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is
disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as
though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the
skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th'
by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is,
after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o' kould be dropd
from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl
riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and
evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of ze Guvernmnt
vud finali hav kum tru.



"Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you
mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time ?" 
"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really
don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because
I'm y'know, like I don't get anything out of it." 
"It's English class, isn't it ?" replied the smiling teacher. 



A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he
said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as
Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language
wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the
room piped up, "Yeah, right."



If GH   can stand for P  as in  Hiccough
If OUGH stands for    O  as in  Dough
If PHTH stands for    T  as in  Phthisis
If EIGH stands for    A  as in  Neighbour
If TTE  stands for    T  as in  Gazette
If EAU  stands for    O  as in  Plateau

The right way to spell POTATO should be: GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU



I have a spelling checker 
       It came with my PC, 
It plainly marks four my revue 
       Mistakes I cannot sea. 
I've run this poem threw it, 
       I'm sure your pleased to no, 
Its letter purfect in it's weigh, 
       My checker tolled me sew.
Cents I began to youse it, 
      I'm reel, reel pleased eye I got won. 
My righting's sew much bettor now, 
      Ware wood eye bee without won ?! 



How to write good

1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.
3. And you should never start a sentence with a conjunction. 
4. Be careful to never split an infinitive.
5. No sentence fragments. Ever.
6. Parenthetical remarks are (usually) unnecessary. 
7. Avoid cliches like the plague.
8. Always avoid annoying alliteration. 
9. You should never, ever generalize.
10. You shouldn't use contractions either.
11. Do not use redundant, unnecessary words, or say anything superfluous.
12. The passive voice should be avoided.
13. Try to avoid ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
14. Don't use no double negatives.
15. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 
16. Be careful, not to insert unnecessary commas.
17. Never use a big word when a diminutive one will do.
18. Understatement is the absolute best way to communicate earth-shaking ideas.
19. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed. 
20. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations.
    Tell me what you know." 
21. Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
22. Who needs rhetorical questions ?
23. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 
24. Each pronoun should agree with their antecedent.
25. Just between you and I, case is important.
26. A writer must not shift your point of view.
27. Always proofread carefully to see if you any words out. 


Don't end a sentence with a preposition ?
How about five prepositions ! 

Consider the plight young child who was told to go upstairs to bed, with 
the promise that he could choose a book for "read aloud time". If the 
parent brought up the wrong book, the child could legitimately ask: 

"What did you bring the book that I did not want to be
read to ... out ... of ... up ... for ?" 



Before an emergency joint session of Congress today, President Clinton
announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region
of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history,
will provide the region with the critically needed letters A, E, I, O
and U.

"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr
and Glrm have been butchered by millions around the world," Clinton
said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say, enough."

The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Storm by the State Department, is
set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and
Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes,
each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews
Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the
cities.

Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels.

"I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said.
"I have six children and none of them has an intelligible name."

The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign
country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped
92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua,
Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L's, S's and T's.
The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast quantities of
the letters were intercepted and horded by violent, gun-toting warlords.



Multi-national personnel at NATO headquarters (North Atlantic Treaty
Organization) near Paris found English to be an easy language ...  until
they tried to pronounce it.  To help them discard an array of accents,
the verses below were  devised.  After trying them, a Frenchman said
he'd prefer six months at hard labour to reading six lines aloud.
Try them yourself.

ENGLISH IS TOUGH STUFF
======================

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I!  Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does.  Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!