Employment

Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest
corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience
interviewing prospective employees. 

A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle. 
Interviewee wore a walkman, explaining that she could listen to the
  interviewer and the music at the same time. 
Candidate fell and broke arm during interview. 
Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger
  and french fries in the interviewers office. 
Candidate explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer. 
Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and
  kept in a closet in Mexico. 
Balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes
  later wearing a headpiece. 
Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having
  the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm. 
Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how
  to answer specific interview questions. 
Candidate brought large dog to interview. 
Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up. 
Candidate dozed off during interview. 

When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap
  dancing around my office.
Candidate pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me.
  Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.
Candidate stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.
At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went
  through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.
During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief
  case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave
  for another interview.
Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he
  was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he
  would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached
  down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did
  need to get a new desk.
She returned that afternoon asking if we could re-do the entire interview.
Man brought in his five children and cat.
Applicant indicated that if he wasn't hired, the future of the company would
  be jeopardized for confidential reasons.
Arrived with a snake around her neck. Said she took her pet everywhere.
Left his dry cleaner tag on his jacket and said he wanted to show he was
  a clean individual.

The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that
have been asked by job candidates. 

"What is it that you people do at this company ?" 
"What is the company motto ?" 
"Why aren't you in a more interesting business ?" 
"Why do you want references ?" 
"Do I have to dress for the next interview ?" 
"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me ?" 
"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland ?" 
"Will the company pay to relocate my horse ?" 
"Does your health insurance cover pets ?" 
"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time ?" 
"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons ?" 
"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay ?" 
"Why am I here ?" 



Resume quotes

I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms.
Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
It's best for employers that I not work with people.
Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.
I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to
  respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and
  absolutely  nothing.
My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training
  in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer
  does not know I am looking for another job.
Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have
  never quit a  job.
Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get
  to work by 8:45 am every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.
The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.



Recommending Poor Ex-Employees

Problem: Having to write letters of recommendation for people with
very dubious qualifications can cause serious legal troubles in a
time when laws have eroded the confidentiality of business letters.
In most states, job applicants have the right to read the letters
of recommendation and can even file suit against the writer if the
contents are negative. 

Solution: Here is an arsenal of statements that can be read two ways:
You are able to state a negative opinion of the ex-employees poor work
habits, while allowing the ex-employee to believe that it is high praise.
When the writer uses these, whether perceived correctly or not by the
ex-employee, the phrases are virtually litigation-proof. 

1. To describe a person who is extremely lazy: 
   "In my opinion, you will be very fortunate to get this person to
   work for you." 

2. To describe a person who is totally inept: 
   "I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no
   qualifications whatsoever." 

3. To describe an ex-employee who you did not get on with:
   "I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine." 

4. To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job
   would be better left unfilled: 
   "I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

5. To describe someone who is very unpopular:
   "You won't find many people like him."

6. To describe a job applicant who is not worth further
   consideration: 
   "I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an
   offer of employment." 

7. To describe a person with lackluster credentials: 
   "All in all, I cannot recommend this candidate too highly."



Work quotes

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company
is not going to discuss it with the employees."

We recently received a memo from senior management saying:
"This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today
regarding the subject mentioned above"

"We are going to continue having these meetings, every day,
until I find out why no work is getting done."



Reply to a rejection letter

Dear <company name>

Thank you for your letter dated <date of mail>. After careful consideration,
I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer
me employment with your firm. This year I have had been particularly
fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters.
With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible
for me to accept all refusals.

Despite <company name>'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience
in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with
my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your
firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

  Sincerely,

  <your name>