Computer jokes

I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call in
with a smoking power supply. The service rep was having a bit of trouble
convincing the guy that he had a hardware problem:

Service Rep:    Sir, something has burned within your power supply.

Customer:       I bet there is some command I can put onto the
                AUTOEXEC.BAT that would take care of this.

Service Rep:    There is nothing software can do to help you with this
                problem.

Customer:       I know there is something I can put in ... some command ...
                maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS

[After a few minutes of going round and round]

Service Rep:    Ok, I am not supposed to tell anyone this, but there is
                a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use.
                I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line
                as C:\DOS\NOSMOKE and reboot your computer.

[Customer does this]

Customer:       It's still smoking.

Service Rep:    I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a
                patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE .

[The customer then hung up.  We thought that we had heard the last
of this guy, but NO ... he calls back four hours later]

Service Rep:    Hello sir, how is your computer?

Customer:       I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is
                incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get
                a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done, and
                how much it will cost ...



What if people bought cars like they buy computers ?

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to
drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine
if they did . . .

HELPLINE:  "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:  "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
HELPLINE:  "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER:  "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE:  "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and
            turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER:  "Ignition?  Motor?  Battery?  Engine?  How come I have to know
            all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

HELPLINE:  "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:  "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE:  "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER:  "Huh?  How do I know!?"
HELPLINE:  "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and
            markings from 'E' to 'F.'  Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER:  "It's pointing to 'E.'  What does that mean?"
HELPLINE:  "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase
            some more gasoline.  You can install it yourself, or pay the
            vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER:  "What!?"  I paid $12,000. for this car!  Now you tell me that I
            have to keep buying more components?  I want a car that comes with
            everything built in!"

HELPLINE:  "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:  "Your cars suck!"
HELPLINE:  "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER:  "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE:  "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER:  "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all
            the way to the floor.  It worked for a while, and then it crashed
            - and now it won't start!"
HELPLINE:  "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product.  What do
            you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER:  "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn't
            crash anymore!"

HELPLINE:  "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:  "Hi!  I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it
            has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering,
            power brakes, and power door locks."
HELPLINE:  "Thanks for buying our car.  How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:  "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE:  "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER:  "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE:  "Do you know how to DRIVE?"
CUSTOMER:  "I'm not a technical person!  I just want to go places in my car!"



Memorandum

To: Mel Gibbon; Company President

From: Nigel (IT) Witt; Senior Technology Officer

Subject: Y2K bug fix request

Date: April 1, 1999

Disclaimer subject to the Year 2000 Information and Readiness Disclosure Act
(Public Law 105-271)

I am delighted to be able to tell you that our staff have finally completed
the 18 months of work on Y2K in time and on budget. We have had 13.3 men spend
20.8 man years of effort on this problem. We have gone through every line of
code in every program in every system totalling over 1,000,000 separate items.
We have analyzed all databases, spreadsheets, text files and data files,
including backups and historic archives, and modified all the data to reflect
the Y2K change as you requested.

We are very proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change
mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to
reflect the new standards requested. The dates produced by our systems now
read as follows:

Months:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October,
November, December

As well as Daks:

Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak

On our own initiative we have also altered Kesterdak, Todak and Tomorrow as
well as Kear; Week had already been corrected!

I trust that this is entirely satisfactory because, to be honest, none of this
Y to K problem has made any sense to the team or to myself? But I understand
it is a global problem, and our team is always glad to help in any way
possible. By the way, what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of
which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year
rolls over from 99 to 00?

We'll await your direction.

N. I. T. Witt



One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator
trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a
directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me,
"Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about,
and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down
exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter 'i'?" and he said,
"Yeah, that's it!"



Tech Support:  OK, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
               see the 'OK' button displayed ?
Customer:      Wow ! How can you see my screen from there ?



FROM: laocoon@doomgloom.edu
TO: Trojan Army Listserv <Trojans-L@troy.org>
RE: WARNING!! BEWARE GREEKS BEARING GIFTS!

Hey Hector,

This was forwarded to me by Cassandra - it looks legit. Please distribute to
Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.

Thanks,

Laocoon


WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT DOWNLOAD
IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your ENTIRE CITY!

The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall.
It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned.
DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible
with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors
that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children.
If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of
the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.

FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!

Poseidon

 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

FROM: hector@studmuffin.com
TO: laocoon@doomgloom.edu
RE: Greeks bearing gifts

Laocoon,

I hate to break it to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is.
I've seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs, one
involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who ate
it and one having to do with something called the "Midas Touch." Here are
a few tipoffs that this is a hoax:

1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" junk. If it were really
meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the
Phonecians, Sumerians, and Cretans?

2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.

3) It's signed "from Poseidon." Granted he's had his problems with Odysseus
but he's one of their guys, isn't he? Besides, the lack of a real header with
a detailed address makes me suspicious.

4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your entire
city. A horse is just an animal, after all.

Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your
concern, but once you've been around the block a couple of times you'll
realize how annoying this kind of stuff is.

Bye now,

Hector