Christian jokes

(Someone said this was the only "heavenly gates" joke they liked)

A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the
pearly gates.

St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into
heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a
certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When
you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and
never cheated on her, even in my heart."

"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points !"

"Three points ?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and
supported its ministry with my tithe and service."

"Terrific !" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth a point."

"One point ? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and
worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.

"TWO POINTS !!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven
is by the grace of God !"

"Come on in !"



Determined to "take it with him" when he died, a very rich man asked God
if he could take some of his wealth with him into heaven. He said yes,
but there was one condition: he could bring only one suitcase full.
The rich man decided to fill the case with gold bullion.

The day came when God called him home. St. Peter greeted him, but told him
he could not bring his suitcase. "Oh, but I have an agreement with God,"
the man explained.

"That's unusual," said St. Peter. "Mind if I take a look ?" The man opened
the suitcase to reveal the shining gold bullion.

St. Peter was amazed. "Why in the world would you bring pavement ?"



A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one
house it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the
door even though the pastor had knocked several times. Finally, the
pastor took out his card and wrote "Revelations 3:20" on the back of
it, and stuck it in the door.

[Revelations 3:20: Behold, I stand at he door and knock. If anyone
hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine
with him and him with me.]

The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the
pastor's message was the notation "Genesis 3:10".

[Genesis 3:10: I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid,
because I was naked; and I hid myself.]



A confirmation student was asked to list the Ten Commandments in any order.
He wrote, "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7." (The Lutheran)

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
"What denomination?" asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to
this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones."

A young lad was vising a church for the first time, checking all the
announcements and posters along the walls. When he came to a group of
pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men
in the pictures?" The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in
the service." Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning
service or evening service?"



Three ministers were discussing the problem of bats nesting in the upper
storey of their churches.
Minister 1: "I thought I'd get rid of them by sneaking up on them and
catching them in my fishing net. I took them out into the woods a few
miles away and let them go. Sadly, they were back in church before I
could get back there."
Minister 2: "I put a cat up there with them, thinking it would frighten
them away. But when I went back to check, the cat had disappeared and the
bats were still there."
Minister 3: "I solved the problem. I went up there and baptized and
confirmed them and I haven't seen them since."



A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the
service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson
before dismissing them for children's church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on
industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe
something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The
children nodded eagerly.

"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up.
"And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..." The children
were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from
branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited
(pause)..."

Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh
of relief and called on him. "Well," said the boy, "I *know* the answer must
be Jesus ... but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"



Honest hymns

I Surrender Some
There Shall Be Sprinkles of Blessings
Fill My Spoon, Lord
Oh, How I Like Jesus
He's Quite a Bit to Me
I Love to Talk About Telling the Story
Take My Life and Let Me Be
It is My Secret What God Can Do
There is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today
Onward, Christian Reserves
Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following
Just As I Pretend to Be
When the Saints Go Sneaking In
Sit Up, Sit Up for Jesus
A Comfy Mattress Is Our God
Self-esteem to the World! The Lord Is Come
Oh, for a Couple of Tongues to Sing
Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound
Go Tell It on the Speed Bump
Special, Special, Special
Lord, Keep Us Loosely Connected to Your Word
Praise God from whom All Affirmations Flow
My Hope Is Built on Nothing Much
O, God, Our Enabler in Ages Past
I Lay My Inappropriate Behaviors on Jesus
Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me
All Hail the Influence of Jesus' Name!
When Peace, Like a Trickle
I'm Fairly Certain that My Redeemer Lives
We Give Thee but Still Think We Own
What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus
My Faith Looks Around for Thee
Joyful, Joyful We Think Thee Pretty Good
Blessed Hunch
Above Average Is Thy Faithfulness
We Are Milling Around in the Light of God
Spirit of the Living God, Fall Somwhere Near Me
Blest Be the Tie that Doesn't Cramp My Style



So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost
my temper, haven't been greedy, or grumpy, nasty or self-centered.
I'm really glad about that. But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get
out of bed, and then I'm going to need a lot of help.



God grant me the senility
to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run
into the ones I do,
and the eyesight
to tell the difference.



I was walking across a bridge recently. I noticed a man who looked like he
was ready to jump off. So, I thought I'd try to stall him until authorities
showed up.
"Don't jump!" I said.
"Why not?" he said. "Nobody loves me."
"God loves you," I said. "You believe in God, don't you?"
"Yes, I believe in God," he said.
"Good," I said. "Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Protestant or Catholic?"
"Protestant," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "What kind of Protestant?"
"Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "American Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
"Southern Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Moderate Southern Baptist or Conservative Southern
Baptist?"
"Conservative Southern Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Calvinistic Resurgent Conservative Southern Baptist or Old
Time Arminian Conservative Southern Baptist?"
"Calvinistic Resurgent Conservative Southern Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Resurgent
Conservative Southern Baptist or Historical Premillennial Calvinistic
Resurgent Conservative Southern Baptist?"
"Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Resurgent Conservative Southern
Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial
Calvinistic Resurgent Conservative Southern Baptist or For Women in Ministry
Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Resurgent Conservative Southern
Baptist?"
"Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Resurgent
Conservative Southern Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "State Subsidized Schools Against Women in Ministry
Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Resurgent Conservative Southern
Baptist or Strict Separation of Church and State Against Women in Ministry
Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Resurgent Conservative Southern
Baptist?"
"State Subsidized Schools Against Women in Ministry Dispensational
Premillennial Calvinistic Resurgent Conservative Southern Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Pro-Disney Boycott State Subsidized Schools Against Women
in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Resurgent Conservative
Southern Baptist or Anti-Disney Boycott State Subsidized Schools Against Women
in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Resurgent Conservative
Southern Baptist?"
"Pro-Disney Boycott State Subsidized Schools Against Women in Ministry
Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Resurgent Conservative Southern
Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "KJV Only Pro-Disney Boycott State Subsidized Schools
Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Resurgent
Conservative Southern Baptist or Gender Inclusive Modern Versions Pro-Disney
Boycott State Subsidized Schools Against Women in Ministry Dispensational
Premillennial Calvinistic Resurgent Conservative Southern Baptist?"
"Gender Inclusive Modern Versions Pro-Disney Boycott State Subsidized Schools
Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Resurgent
Conservative Southern Baptist," he said.
"Heretic!" I said. And I pushed him off.



TO: Jesus, Son of Joseph, Woodcrafters Shop, Nazareth
FROM: Jordan Management Consultants, Jerusalem
SUBJECT: Staff Aptitude Evaluation

Thank you for submitting the resumes of the 12 men you have picked for
management positions in your new organization. All of them have now taken our
battery of tests, and we have run them with our psychologist and vocational
aptitude consultant.

It is the staff opinion that most of your nominees are lacking in background,
education and vocational aptitude for the type of enterprise you are
undertaking. They do not have the team concept. We would recommend that you
continue your search for persons of experience in managerial ability and
proven capability.

Simon Peter is emotionally unstable and given to fits of temper. Andrew has
absolutely no qualities of leadership. The two brothers, James and John, the
sons of Zebedee, place personal interest above company loyalty. Thomas
demonstrates a questioning attitude that would tend to undermine morale. We
feel that it is our duty to tell you that Matthew has been blacklisted by the
Greater Jerusalem Better Business Bureau. James, the son of Alphaeus, and
Thaddeus definitely have radical leanings, and they both registered a high
score on the manic depressive scale.

One of the candidates, however, shows great potential. He is a man of ability
and resourcefulness, meets people well, has a keen business mind and has
contacts in high places. He is highly motivated, ambitious and innovative.
We recommend Judas Iscariot as your controller and right hand man. All the
other profiles are self-explanatory.

We wish you every success in your new venture.



In our search for a suitable pastor, the following scratch sheet was developed
for your perusal. Of the candidates investigated by the committee, only one
was found to have the necessary qualities. The list contains the names of the
candidates and comments on each, should you be interested in investigating
them further for future pastoral placements.

Noah: He has 120 years of preaching experience, but no converts.
Moses: He stutters; and his former congregation says he loses his temper
  over trivial things.
Abraham: He took off to Egypt during hard times. We heard that he got into
  trouble with the authorities and then tried to lie his way out.
David: He is an unacceptable moral character. He might have been considered
  for minister of music had he not 'fallen.'
Solomon: He has a reputation for wisdom but fails to practice what he preaches.
Elijah: He proved to be inconsistent, and is known to fold under pressure.
Hosea: Family life is in a shambles. Divorced, and remarried to a prostitute.
Jeremiah: He is too emotional, alarmist; some say a real 'pain in the neck.'
Amos: Comes from a farming background. Better off picking figs.
John: He says he is a Baptist but lacks tact and dresses like a hippie.
  Would not feel comfortable at a church potluck supper.
Peter: Has a bad temper, and was heard to have even denied Christ publicly.
Paul: We found him to lack tact. He is too harsh, His appearance is
  contemptible, and he preaches far too long.
Timothy: He has potential, but is much too young for the position.
Jesus: He tends to offend church members with his preaching, especially Bible
  scholars. He is also too controversial. He even offended the search committee
  with his pointed questions.
Judas: He seemed to be very practical, co-operative, good with money, cares
  for the poor, and dresses well. We all agreed that he is just the man we
  are looking for to fill the vacancy as our Senior Pastor.

Sincerely, The Pastoral Search Committee.