Animal jokes

To monitor the movements of migratory birds, the US Department of the
Interior tagged them with metal strips marked : "Wash. Biol. Surv.",
short for Washington Biological Survey.

It planned to change the labels after receiving an angry letter from an
Arkansas farmer saying: "Dear Sirs, I shot one of your crows the other day.
My wife followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag, and I want to
tell you it was horrible."



A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks,
"Mom why have I got these huge three-toed feet ?"

The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes
help you to stay on top of the soft sand".

"OK" said the son.

A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long
eyelashes ?"

"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the
desert".

"Thanks Mom", replies the son.

After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these
great big humps on my back ?"

The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to
help us store fat for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without
water for long periods."

"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long
eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water.

"But Mom ..."

"Yes son ?"

"What are we doing in the zoo ?"



In a recent issue of "Meat & Poultry" magazine, editors quoted from
"Feathers," the publication of the California Poultry Industry
Federation, telling the following story: 

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device
for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun
that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately
the speed the plane flies. 

The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass
impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems
the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield
on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing. They borrowed the
FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic
chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair,
broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the
engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck
the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA reviewed the
test thoroughly and had one recommendation: "Use a thawed chicken."



The Parrot and the Burglar

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He
tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he
heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you."

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked
all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was
a parrot. He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" 

"Yes", said the parrot. 

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot, "What's
your name?" 

"Clarence," said the bird. 

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named
you Clarence?" 

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus." 



If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when,
  through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no
  prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics,
Then you are almost as good as your dog.



I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took
off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was
ticked.

Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight
attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and
if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I
noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because
his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him
throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this
very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him
by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour.
Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No
thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this ... all the people in the gate area came to a completely
quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the
plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing
sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes,
they also were trying to change airlines!



There were two buddies one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other
with a Chihuahua.

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to
that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs
with us."

The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." 

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts
on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.

The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." 

The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is
my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher ?"

He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."

The man at the door says, "OK, well I guess you can come in then."

The man with the Chihuahua thinks, "Well, that seemed to work",
so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my
seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua ?"

The man says, "A Chihuahua ??? They gave me a Chihuahua ?!"